Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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