I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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