dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i was born a porn star she said
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
