Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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