Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
