she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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