Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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