are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
i am craving dick and cupcakes
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
