Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
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