whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
