I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
