this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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