Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
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