We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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