I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
try to milk me bitch
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