I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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