You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
