To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
