I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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