The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
