Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
