I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
