With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
