I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
