I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
