It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
