need another drink. this is the easiest way
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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