He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
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