I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
