Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
50% drunk capacity currently
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
