Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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