I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
