Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
