mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Dick very happy bro
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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