I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
