yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just high enough for therapy.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
