Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
