There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
