Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Randomize
