I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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