Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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