Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
