she sounds like chewbacca in bed
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
