On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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