I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
