I can tuck mytits in my pants
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
