dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
