There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My ATM looks so different sober.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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