I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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