I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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