when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
